


Mala's Diary

by bogfable



Series: Ruining Someone (SlavAU) [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: AU, Alternative Universe - Human, Angst, Christmas, Depression, Diary, Drug Use, F/F, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Human AU, Lapid is trans, Mental Health Issues, Psychosis, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, im so sorry this is the most terrible angst, malachite is lapis n jasper's kid, purposely incorrect spelling and grammar, slav au, tw, tw slurs, unhealthy jaspis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2019-06-08 11:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 14,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15241941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bogfable/pseuds/bogfable
Summary: From my slav au (set in a non-specific slavic country in the early 90s)A diary written by Mala (Malachite), the daughter of Lapis and Jasper.Mala struggles to cope with her mothers and their declining mental health and relationship and keeping their family together.('Mum' is Lapis, 'Mamma' = Jasper)





	1. 25th of November

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really sorry Mala :'(

**25th of November**

 

Mamma tried to kill herself last night. I found her and it makes me panic and makes my heart hurt. She felt like she was limp and dying but mum came in and said ‘shit’ and phoned an ambulance.

She tried to kill herself with painkillers… like a metaphor for ending the pain of being alive but i don’t think mamma thinks about metaphors. I thinks its just what she had.

Mum and me are at home. Peri is with mamma. Mum didn’t want to stay and we were so tired so we left and in the car mum put her face in her hands and sighed like she was the most stressed and exhausted she’d ever been. Her hands were shaking.

She said ‘should have taken your meds’ to herself. I guess she was talking to mamma even though she wasn’t there. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Hospitals are very scary in waiting rooms. There’s so much pained sounds and bright lights. Also in wards too. I hope mamma isn’t scared..i dont know.

It was quiet at breakfast today and weird to have mamma not be there. She never leaves me alone.  It was good but the reason she’s not here is so so bad. I’m skipping school.. Mum doesn’t care and who cares i just get yelled there anyway. And fight with fucking Alex. Mum is in her weird garden shed and making sculptures or something. I might go to the park, its only 10 minutes away and swing on the rusty old swings before anyone gets out from school. I need to empty out my head. Everything is a blur. I dont know when mamma will be back. i dont know. i hope soon? probably? i dont know when.


	2. 27th November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so everyone knows, I'm binge-posting this from my tumblr so summaries will be scarce..

**27th of November**

 

Today we are going to drive and get mamma i think. She stayed yesterday. Mum has to sign something.

-

Now we are in the hospital. Im outside though with Peri in the snow. We dusted off a bench and they are sitting next to me. Better not sneak a look!

Mamma was tucked into a white clean bed in a hospital gown and staring at the window. Then me and mum came in and she said she missed us so much and mum said ‘it’s only been 2 days’.

I could see the nurse or whoever the person in the room was staring at the scars on mum’s wrists. Her arms are so scarred but she doesn’t hide them. I know what scars like that mean now but I didn’t used to. I know mamma has some too. Mostly on her thighs, i saw when I was little and she was changing into sports clothes.

Never mind. Anyway. Mamma seemed ok for someone who had tried to die. Mum said there weren’t that many pills in the bottle.. besides they just pump your stomach. Someone else said that mamma should see about going to a psychiatric hospital and she started shouting at him. So Peri and me left and they brought me out here. Into the snow.

They keep sniffing and adjusting their glasses and pulling at their gloves.. Rocking back and forth too. It’s starting to snow.


	3. 28th November

**28th of November**

So it’s 9:34pm now and I’m sitting in my room on my bed. One of my posters fell off the wall while i was gone.. the one with the diagram of sea levels. It gets pitch black at the bottom and that’s where very few things can live.

Mamma came home with us but mum explained that we have to keep on checking on her to make sure she’s okay. I think mum is meant to but it will be mostly me and Peri (who is sleeping on the sofa tonight. its too late for them to walk home in the dark and so snowy.)

When we got home Peri and me cooked supper for us all while mum went away outside to smoke & have time to think and mamma kept trying to talk to her. Mum wanted her to go away so she hit herself in the head and paced around until Peri calmed her down a bit.

We had potato and leek soup and rye bread. Im full. I ate a small chocolate that Peri gave me since they don’t like that flavour. Then we made tea. Chamomile so it’s good for bedtime.

I’ve finished it now. I can hear mamma talking right now too. She’s a loud person. I dont really know what she’s saying but she sounds stressed and almost shouting. Maybe mum wont talk to her.

She freaked out once last year i think when mum tried to leave. She was on her knees and begging and screaming and crying. Mum stayed obviously but I think she hates being here. Sometimes i think she hates mamma. Even though they kiss.. I don’t understandddddd

10:30pm. half and hour ago mamma started screaming and crying. Big wails and sobs that shake all of the house. I went to the living-room and  peri was standing with her hands covering her ears and watching mamma doubled over on the floor. I walked over slowly and i took her by the wrists. She fought me at first until she realised it was me.. she’d never hurt me. I got her to sit on the sofa and she stared while tears and snot dripped off her face. She thinks mum doesn’t love her and that she is going to leave. That was all she said, just repeating over and over. I told her she wouldn’t. Even though its probably a lie.


	4. 29th November

**29th of November**

Last night I slept in mamma’s bed with her, to keep her company and because i’m scared she’s going to try to kill herself again. She clings so tightly and didn’t let go all night. Like if she did i’d disappear. She’s scared everyone will leave. She even made Peri promise she’d come back when Peri went back to their own house this morning. Peri looked stressed and tired out. It’s scaring me.

6pm? actually almost 7pm… I decided I will cook now, I like too anyway. Also since it worries me when mamma cuts things with a knife.. it feels like she’s thinking about stabbing herself of cutting her arm or something. I can’t really explain but I can just tell.

I added a few extra vegetables to the left-over soup and cooked it all together again. I sliced the bread and that was dinner. Mamma talked about their wedding the entire time and how amazing it was. I wasn’t born yet, just a small bump. You can see it in some photos but if you didn’t know it just looks like mamma has a roundish stomach. You really would only know if you were told. She found out she was pregnant the day after and she says it was one of the best moments in her life.

I don’t think mamma sat still once today. She talks to herself a lot, i can hear her from my room. nothing bad. its just a train of thought.

Mum has been keeping her distance. She got coffee this afternoon before she went back to the artwork she’s working on. I don’t know what it is, i haven’t seen yet. She didn’t say a word even though mamma talked and talked to her. I don’t think she noticed that mum didn’t reply.

10pm. going to sleep in mamma’s bed again… i dont really know where mum sleeps. She has an armchair in the shed I guess. Maybe the sofa but i think she’s an insomniac anyway.

I can hear that mamma is going to bed, she’d never ask me to help and comfort her but i know she’s waiting around. It’s so cold i’ll sleep in long pyjama trousers, a jumper and socks. Mum’s hands are always cold and clammy and she doesn’t mind the cold at all. Mamma is one of those people who radiates warmth, warm hands all the time. She has good hugs. Mum gives okay hugs…She always feels like she wont fully let herself and that she’s off miles away in her head.

Ok ok time to go to bed.


	5. 30th November

**30th of November**

4:32pm. This morning I talked to mum, she wants to run away and looks like she’s in pain every time I call her mum. I’m scared. She has new cuts on her arm that I think I maybe saw. I hope not. Please please please dear God.

She hugged me and it made my heart sink.

Also I skipped school again.. I only get in trouble so what’s the point?

1am. I cut my arm. Left arm, near the shoulder. In the bath.

I just felt so full of everything and i needed to get it out. They aren’t bad cuts don’t worry.

Mamma is asleep like a log even though I turned the bedside lamp on. She snores and talks in her sleep. It sounds like nightmares from the things she mumbles. She makes grumbling sounds too mostly. I hope she doesn’t try and scratch in her sleep or scream and claw.. I know things like that happen sometimes.

Im exhausted. I watched a tv program about sharks today. Did you know that they have to keep swimming to pass water through their gills and get oxygen. Fish can pump it through but sharks have to keep swimming or they will die. Thats sad. Sharks are my favourite animal. Anything in the sea.

Goodnight.


	6. 1st December

**1st of December**

I went to school today. Its Wednesday. I haven’t gone since Friday and of course OF COURSE OF COURSE i got in a fight with Alex. I hate her I see her and i get angry. I want to bite and kick her teeth in! Especially when she tells me off like she’s my mother! I yelled at this little boy and she just comes barging in and i got in her face right back at her ready to kick her ass so hard she bleeds. We argued and i yelled so much my throat hurts. she just speaks in one tone and that makes me yell harder. Someone told teachers what was happening so i ran when they got there. It was only 1pm. I know they’ll just expel me if I go back.

I wandered around. I didn’t go home until school was over. Mamma went back to work. At the garage as usual. Guess it’s good she’s keeping busy.


	7. 2nd December

**2nd of December**

it’s between 5 and 6am..i woke up early and cant get back to sleep

_Dear, mum._

_Please don’t leave. I dont know what will happen. I’m terrified of what could happen. I don’t think me or Peri could help if you left. I don’t know what mamma would do. Just -i dont know- please hang on for a little bit longer. Until things wont go all to shit. Please. I’d miss you so much…_

_Love, Mala._

1:14pm. That was pointless to write, she’ll never see it..

Im in the school library.. i was sternly told off but there’s a teacher here called Mr. Universe and i dont believe that can really be his name but he sticks his neck out for me. He’s really nice. He’s the only music teacher and he gives me good music to listen to.

I saw Christmas decorations in windows today. Christmas is pretty nice. They both try to be so good and nice for at least that day. We pretended each year it was okay and thinking about doing that now makes me feel sick. The church mamma makes us go to on Christmas still thinks that they are just friends. I call mum ‘Lapis’ in front of people while we’re there.. it’s weird but mamma likes going and she prays and talks to her own mother each night anyway. Her mother is dead and she brought mamma up really religious i guess. We have a cross on the wall in almost every room. Some of them get under my skin sometimes, like the cross with jesus hanging and crucified, like he’s watching over me. I just got shivers from thinking about it.

it’s about half 5pm. I just got back because I took my skateboard with me to school and skated around afterwards with Lars. He tries very hard but he likes skating so he’s ok to hang around with. Im trying to teach him how to not fall over. Sug showed up later and I guess she is a drug dealer now because she was off to sell something to some person. She threw Lars a blunt but he didnt catch it and she laughed at him. Me and Lars shared the blunt and felt sleepy and then his friend? girlfriend? Sadie showed up and they were gone. I just lay back on the top platform part of one of the ramps and looked at the sky. It was so cold and after a while i couldn’t feel my fingers or toes anymore so i left.  

Mamma was asleep on the sofa when i got home, kind of sitting upright but slouched to the side a bit. She breathes so heavy.  

7pm. I made pasta, enough for everyone and ate it with mushrooms i fried. the saucepan we have is big and too heavy. cast iron? i dont know. i know mamma ate dinner but mum didn’t yet so i put it in a bowl for her.

Im bleaching my hair just now, i’m just waiting to rinse it off. Im going for as white as i can and then i’ll add some green in. Not a lot of green. I want it to be kind of seafoam-y. It’ll look cool…i hope.

update: It worked! yessss

mum was in the hallway and said ‘ye, that looks good.’ She taught me how to dye my hair a few years ago. Her’s is blue. Ive never seen it not be blue. Her natural colour is a mystery. har har. Its probably black or dark brown.

This day feels like it lasted forever.. i dont know what to do with the last couple of hours..


	8. 3rd December

**3rd of December**

good morning. Last night before bed i watched tv with mamma and mum. we watched a couple of things, the end of a kind of funny black & white film that we didn’t catch the title of and then this documentary about the creatures that live in the deepest parts of the sea. They were both actually in the same room for once. Even though i didnt look at them while we were watching since it’d be awkward I could tell they kept looking at each other out of the corner of my eye. It wasn’t tense really.. instead it was sad and regretful. And very still. You know the saying ‘calm before the storm’? It made me think of that. Except im not sure if it’s that or the calm after the storm. I braided mamma’s hair into two pigtail braids and mum looked over and laughed. Which was a relief since she always feels so so sad. She said ‘That might’ve suited you better when you were 10’ in a joking kind of way. Mamma went ‘ha’ and me and her unbraided her hair, one braid each.

I think it’s strange but its interesting to look at people when they dont know it. Like to see the way mamma always furrows her eyebrows but when she catches someone’s eye they unfurrow when she acknowledges them (unless she’s angry at them though..). also pouts. it makes me think of what i do..everyone always says i look angry. do i do the same thing then? i guess so. …mum just sits still and sometimes runs her hand through her hair.

4pm?..Its finally snowing. I was worried global warming had gotten so bad that it wouldn’t snow. Not that i really like the snow.. im worried about all the animals.

But it did snow a little last night and all today. Around 1 foot during the day. it doesn’t mean there’s no global warming it just means its still cold here. Me and mamma cleared the path to our car and to the pavement and then also to the shed in the back-garden. It was hard work and we were sweating and our noses got all red in the cold. Im going to have a bath before dinner. And after dinner i’m going to start my art homework, a still-life so i’ll need to find something to draw. Mum will help if i ask i hope. Also school phoned and said ‘my caretakers are to come in for a meeting’.. about me of course. I really hope I don’t get expelled.

10:47pm. I started my still-life, it’s of a jar of paintbrushes mum has that she isn’t using just now. Also Peri called on the phone, they’re very busy with work things. They work in a shop that sells mostly TVs. Goodnight.


	9. 4th December

**4th of December**

We went to church and I got dirty looks from all these old people because of my hair. i dont care what they think. Mum was asleep on the sofa when we got home and didn’t move much all day.. Worried… the cuts on my arm are itchy and healing. i feel bad about doing that. i dont want to again.

I feel like mamma is pretending that nothing happened. Like she didn’t try and kill herself. She hasn’t talked about it. I know no one really wants to but i feel like we should. She didn’t arrange to go to a therapist even when whoever (some doctor at the hospital) offered that. She just keeps on going and going until she breaks down. Thats what happened before. As in when she tried to kill herself. She’d been working and working and also exercising probably too much and fighting with mum and just not stopping. I felt exhausted just being there. Mum told her that she needed to stop because she felt like her head was spinning and she was going to go crazy if she didn’t leave. They shouted and shouted all night, it maybe even became physical. I dont remember falling asleep, I just cried with my pillow over my ears and woke up still fully dressed the next morning. Then it was quiet the next day and she took a day off and that night tried to kill herself. I hate writing that. It feels harsh and like a kick in the gut…


	10. 5th December

**5th of December**

Peri & me went to the supermarket after I was at school. They wanted to buy just regular groceries and I bumped into them on my way home so we went together. Its kind of sad in winter, all of the fresh produce is wilting and there’s just not much to choose from. Unless you want old and bland fruit thats basically shrivelling. I got a bag of cheap little gingerbread pryaniks. I think they feel cheerful. Also like a Christmas type of thing.

Peri mostly lives off of junk-food and tinned peas, i guess. Mamma lectures them about it in a light-hearted kind of way. We all laugh about it…There was a big display of festively packaged vodka of course.

Also the meeting at school is tomorrow. In all honesty i do not like when my parents visit the school since immediately rumours resurface and all i hear whispered around me is ‘dykes dykes dykes’. I could scream. Once some girl told me that I shouldn’t be going to church because I live with a satanist. Mum is not a satanist. She doesn’t believe in any god. But no one listens if I tell them so. Especially not that girl, she says thats just as bad.

When I was 12 or maybe 13 I was embarrassed and angry and in an argument I yelled at mamma and called her a dyke and she looked shocked and hurt for a moment before shouting back at me about whatever we were argueing about in the first place. I feel sad and embarrassed of that, I try to forget it. It feels especially shitty because I think that’s the reason her stepmother kicked her out. god eugh i hate thinking about it.

p.s. mum was asleep on the sofa again when i got home and i think she’d been there all day. I gave her a pryanik. she ate half and said that was enough so i ate the rest. we sat around for a while until mamma got back and mum left before she could even say hello and that was that.


	11. 6th December

**6th of December**

I have not asked for anything for Christmas because I can’t think of anything. Dont laugh, this is stereotypical but I just want them to get along and I want us to be happy.

Its Tuesday. The meeting is this afternoon, it’s just about lunch time now. I have no idea if both of them will come..mum was still on the sofa this morning. Sometimes she gets like that..very rarely this bad though.. she doesn’t even move apart from going to the bathroom. She doesn’t eat or drink or anything and it makes me scared and mamma frustrated.

Earlier I found 2 things…first when I was killing time before leaving for school, I found an old photo of mamma and mum under the bookcase, both when they were a little older than me. mamma with her big eyes and big smile with big teeth and mum with sad eyes and sort-of small sad smile. I dont know the story behind it.

The second thing i found was a sticker in the snow.. Im going to stick it to my skateboard when i get home. I wont be able to skate until the snow melts again and its not melting. Every time some melts more falls and replaces it. Thats just how it’ll be. And then snowstorms happen and theres more and more and more until we all get snowed in. I miss our old house. It didn’t snow like this there.

There’s a photo album in their room somewhere. It’s hidden but I’ve seen them move it when we’ve tidied. I want to look through it. I dont know why they hide it. I wonder if I look through it, will I be able to see how things went wrong with them? Or were they always just wrong? It could be nothing at all or porn. I dont think it would be. yuck. if there’s nudity at all it’ll be artsy. People in school are so ridiculous about anyone naked even if it has nothing to do with sex. Even just a diagram in biology class.

Thats a good thing about Sug, she doesn’t care. She doesn’t even care about sex either she just talks what she did matter-of-factly and sometimes i dont want to know but i think its better than being overly uptight. I have never had sex and i dont want to.

its around half past 4pm. The meeting I think was ok. Im not expelled. But we got home and mamma and me went & sat on their bed (since mum was still on the sofa) and she said “promise me you aren’t going to get into any more fights” and she said if i get expelled she doesn’t know where to send me since there aren’t many schools near and i need to finish school and really really work hard if i want to be a marine biologist.

im going to try. i really want to be a marine biologist.


	12. 7th December

**7th of December**

I tried working out with mamma, after we ate dinner we went to the swimming pool since it also has a gym and she taught me to start kick boxing. i think once she thought she was going to be famous for it, she also was kind of a soldier for a while but not long enough to go to a real fight..war..i dont know what to call it, only training. im glad she didnt kill anyone. i dont know why she stopped but it was a while ago and before we moved house. I don’t remember.

She says kick boxing is a good release yknow? and i see what she means. I got really into it and I want to do it again. Some guy that I dont know said ‘Your daughter is going to grow up just as scary as you’ and elbowed mamma, who just rolled her eyes.

Im going to sleep in my own bed again. I haven’t for a while.. I just got used to it. Im exhausted. Goodnight.


	13. 8th December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is very bad angst im sorry again

**8th of December**

 

7am. No one slept well. Night terrors. Mamma would not stop pacing around the house. Back and forth back and forth for an hour at least. It was around 2am.

She knocked on my door and I shouted ‘go away leave me alone im trying to fucking sleep!’ and she started sobbing and there was a thud and a crack and she must have punched a hole in the wall. I heard mum’s voice all quiet ask what the hell was going on and i couldn’t hear what else over mamma yelling and crying.

I dont know why but it just felt like what I needed to do. I got my rucksack and got my school clothes and books and everything like this diary too and shoved them in. I put on jeans, a hoodie and my boots and I climbed out my window into the snow. It was so cold my face and fingers went numb. I walked the 15 minutes to Peri’s apartment building. I was shaking so hard and my tears were freezing on my cheeks but i pressed the buzzer and they answered. thank God they stay up all night. i said i needed to come in and they unlocked the door. I stayed there overnight and Im still here. its almost 7:30am, an hour before I should leave for school.

Peri called my house last night and mum answered. Peri said that I was at her place and i could hear mum say something like “jasper’s losing her fucking mind” and then something i didnt hear properly but peri went “no ! nonono, Lapis don’t! Don’t hurt yourself …please please! Leave her alone.. i dont know? Let her calm down. - Oh, um okay let me talk to her…” Then they talked to mamma.

“Mala’s here. Just- No, stay there. Dont-! Are you okay? Is it broken?” Peri just sounded like they were going to cry. They were shaking. I feel terrible for them, they shouldn’t have to do this kind of thing. We are a mess. Such a mess.

Peri talked to her so long… i fell asleep on the sofa before they hung up. We don’t deserve a friend like them.

 

3:38pm. (i went to school. i was so tired. i almost fainted. But I did ok in a biology test from last week that the teacher finally graded. )

I got home not too long ago and i feel sick. the living room is a mess, the coffee table is knocked to the side and everything on it fell off and there are broken dishes on the floor and ashes from the ashtray all over the carpet and a big hole in the wall in the hallway next to my room and blood drops all dried on the floor. I dont know where anyone is. Neither mum or mamma are here. It feels still like a film, I can see all the dust floating about in the light coming in the window. The door was locked when i got home so i climbed in the kitchen window and i felt disconnected and i just stood in the middle of the mess and then came into my room. Nothing in here is broken. Im lying in bed. Im going to go to the bathroom and then go to the garage to see if mamma is there.

 

6pm? mamma was at the garage and her hand has gauze on it. Her knuckles are swollen, all split. The side of her head has a big bruise. I think she made both of those injuries. She hits herself in the head sometimes. But I don’t know. When she saw me she dropped what she was doing and ran over and picked me up and hugged me so tight i couldn’t breathe. She said she’s sorry so sorry. I couldn’t say anything back, the words just didnt come out. I didn’t know what to say anyway. I just hugged her back.

She finished what she was working on. I sat and waited and finished my biology homework and started maths homework. Then we went home and started to clean everything up. We kept our shoes on so we didn’t step on any broken glass.

We don’t have much for food to make dinner with. There’s tinned soup? I dont feel hungry. My stomach is all twisted in knots and i ache all over.

 

9pm. I need to go to sleep soon, i can’t stay awake for half an hour more probably. Mum came home when I was having a bath and she went in after me. She talked to me after and I saw that her arms are all bruised around the wrist. It’s from mamma grabbing her, I can tell. She tries to get mum to stay by pulling her back by the arm. The bruise on mamma’s head is from Mum. Mum said she was sorry she said ‘We are awful. You deserve so much better than this, Mala.. I’m so sorry…’

I said it’s ok and hugged her tight. She sat still and quietly said that this is awful, this is so bad but she doesn’t know what to do and she’s a monster. She started to shake and said she threw the ashtray at mamma. I was trying so hard not to cry. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard it bled.

All three of us have dark, dark circles under our eyes.

I don’t know how long everything can just keep going like this.

Im really ready to fall asleep. Goodnight.


	14. 9th December

**9th of December**

 

At school, lunch break. I locked myself in a toilet cubicle.

Last night mum brushed my hair and sang songs to me about the ocean and the moon. I fell asleep to her singing. She hasn’t spent more than a few minutes with me for probably a month. It felt nice.. even if we were sad.

This morning when I woke up and was getting ready I saw that they were both still asleep and in their bed actually together. It felt like looking into another world where it’s happy and everything’s okay. Then the hole that’s in the wall reminded me it’s not. And I had to wake up mamma otherwise she’d be later for work and she never usually sleeps later than I do. She wakes up at 5:30 in the morning..so she can workout and stuff. I almost didn’t want to wake her up but I know she gets so stressed and upset if she’s late.

Im trying to be so good, go to school and not get in fights for our sake. It just makes it all easier.

It’s hard to talk about how i feel to people. Mostly because it’s your parents usually that you talk to and I dont know how to tell them. They aren’t stable or able to support me like parents are meant to. They need the support too and I can’t give that but I try really hard. But i need someone to help. Help me. We are stuck.

It is Saturday tomorrow


	15. 10th December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mala wrote a poem :-0

**10th of December**

 

Today we just floated through the day. Nothing happened…I don’t remember. I cant think of anything.

 

poem by me. its about whaling. :

ten thousand crying whales

in water 6 miles tall

if they knew who killed them

they could try drown us all

but I don’t think they would

they’re not as bad as we

all I think that they want

is to be left outside and free


	16. 11th December

**11th of December**

its just after lunch..Mamma cried at church while talking to the pastor after the sermon. About her mother, i think. I sat in the pews and watched while an old woman tried to make conversation with me. She said my drawings were good but I should save it for after church so I can give God my full attention. I said okay. I was drawing an Orca. Most people call them killer whales.. I guess since they kill their food but they have never killed any humans in the wild.

Mamma styled her hair in a way the covered up the big bruise on her head. She let it hang  loose over her temples and didnt pull it back at all. Usually she ties her hair back for church and she ties it up for work and working out. She wears it down inside our house but she looks different with it all down when she’s outside. Kind of younger. The bruise has gone all dark and yellowy after being bright purple. She said she hurt her hand at work. I dont like her lying like that but i understand why she does. She cares what everyone thinks. I dont. Neither does mum.

I might make some spaghetti for dinner. I just like it with some mushrooms and sauce. I learned how to cook it last year from a cookbook.

7:32pm. There’s a christmas song every other song on all the radio stations. It seems that way at least. I don’t have homework to finish tonight since I finished it earlier. Also i finally stuck that sticker i found onto my skateboard. I’m going to take a bath since my toes are so cold that they’re numb.

 _Silent night, holy night….._  it keeps playing on radios and then a live show on tv had a choir sing it. I’m not sure what will happen this Christmas. Last year Peri came over and me and them and mamma cooked a bunch of food together. I remember mum sitting on the sofa & smoking. She forced herself to smile when I got her to join in with celebrating. I can remember exactly how she looked. We danced around the room in with only the tree lights on and mum drank a lot and got mellow and sleepy. Even i drank mulled wine from a small crystal-y glass. It was okay, spicy. I remember how mamma lifted up Peri so they could dance around. They were kind of drunk. I danced around too. Everyone danced and everyone laughed for a bit. I remember how i had to sit down because i felt sick after having fruitcake haha. We played old records of mum’s and it was really good. When I was all tired out sitting on the sofa mum & mamma were dancing around to Fleetwood Mac together.. it just felt happy. like i got a peek into their teenage selves for a moment.

I might have heard arguing start when i was in bed but i covered my ears to keep the day nice so i have no idea. i hope it stayed good. peri would have broken it up. i like to think they all fell asleep with wine still in their glasses together on the sofa with a slow song playing.

Goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ironically, lapis n jasper were probably dancing to 'go your own way' and 'the chain' haha


	17. 12th December

**12th of December**

Sug and me skipped going to our maths class. The teacher is a creep, looking at girls all the time. Sug says he stares at her breasts and then she always adds “who wouldn’t?!”. She keeps a flask in her coat and it has a tiny bit of each bottle of alcohol that her family has in it, a small enough amount so her parents don’t notice. Its all mixed together. She offered me it on the way home and I told her get that shit away from me. She says she drinks to get drunk so who cares.

We went to her house since she knew no one would be home. Its too cold to stay outside. I miss going to the park to skate. My socks get all soaked from the snow that gets in my boots. We are going back to school soon because lunch is nearly over. I have an art class and I dont want to miss it since I actually like it. I have to turn in that still-life of paintbrushes in a jar. (It looks okay. painting a jar is difficult).Also it’s mum’s birthday on the 31st. I want to try and make her something, a painting maybe. She hates her birthday but I want to give her something. Maybe a painting would make her feel better.

 

its 4pm exactly. i have on my pyjama trousers and a big jumper. My trousers are soaked from the snow… I had to take off my top to mend it because i noticed that there’s a big hole in one armpit. It’s my favourite top. With dark green stripes. I just kind of stitched it with a needle and thread. I dont know how to use the sewing machine. I can see if mum will help later. She’s good at sewing. She even made her and mamma’s wedding dresses. They are in a protective bag thing together hung up in the wardrobe in their bedroom.

Right now I’m the only one home. Mamma will get back at 6 probably. Mum left a note to say that she’s gone to get paint..

I found that photo album i was talking about. i went looking around for it. I guess it’s bad of me but i just want to know. It’s all full of old photos like i thought it would be. There’s photos of them as kids, teenagers, my age too… there’s wedding photographs, one of mamma in military clothes before she got that big scar on her cheek and all smiley… there were very artistic nudes like i guessed but i flipped past those quick. A lot of the photos were probably taken by mum.

I have the book in my lap just now, i’ve been looking between writing. There’s one that a bit blurry and shaky and i bet mamma took it. It’s of mum on a sunny beach, looking away from the camera at the ocean. It’s pretty even if it’s blurry.

One just made me laugh, it’s them standing in front of a mirror together with a big old instant camera to take the photo. they have like outfits that look almost like maybe halloween costumes but could be for a play..i cant tell what they are supposed to be..they just look fluffy and have some feathers and horns.. maybe Where The Wild Things Are? They both are snarling. Like they are gonna eat some one

Someone’s home. Mum probably. Ill put the album under my bed for now. i didn’t realise i’d started to cry until a tear dripped down on the paper.

I should think of something to paint for mum… i think i can get some paints from school or take some she doesn’t use anymore. if she knows i took some she might guess.

Yes, it’s mum who’s back.

It’s past 10pm. i like writing just before i go to bed. i was drawing and sitting on the sofa earlier and mamma said ‘youre always writing in there’. I shrugged and said im drawing and i let her look and she was actually really impressed. I didnt realise that she hasn’t looked at my drawings recently. I didn’t tell her about the birthday gift. She can’t keep secrets ever. I let her draw something too. Mum probably taught her some art things in the past because she’s pretty good but not nearly as good as mum. everything looks kinda scratchy. She drew a tiger. i dont know why. but its next to the girl i drew. mamma said ‘that girl looks like you’. I was embarrassed but it was meant to be me a little bit so…

the tiger has wonky eyes because we drew with just a ballpoint pen and no pencil or eraser.

Mum always leaves when mamma gets home. They stopped sleeping together in the same bed again. I think they only did for that one night. Mamma’s hand had clean gauze and when she had changed it her hand was black and blue and green and purple with her knuckles healing. She can’t hold things very well, it’s lucky she’s left handed. She hurt her right hand.

When i was leaving when she told me it was time to go to bed she asked ‘mala, does lapis hate me?’ She was so quiet is scared me. I shook my head and went right to brush my teeth and go to bed. I dont know. Thats not something i want to say or think about or know. i dont know.

I need to stop before my head starts buzzing. Goodnight goodnight…


	18. 13th December

**13th of December**

 

I slept in so much i was almost late for school. I’m extra tired from everything and it takes longer to get to school because of the snow. I might have burnt my tongue eating up my porridge too fast. Im not sure but it feels kind of funny kinda burnt

If i paint something for mum shuld it be the ocean? Or would that make her sad? i try to think of something that makes her happy but im not sure. maybe painting, like i could draw her painting a picture. in my own style.

that makes me think about happy things (memories) that we share. As a family.

there are some but it’s that weird kind of memories mostly, the ones when you couldn’t tell if it really happened if there weren’t photos. Like in the one other photo album we have (that sits on the bookshelf in the living room) there’s a group of photos that are on the secret beach near where we used to live. i’m maybe 5 so i dont really remember but i remember stories. did you know that each time you remember something you’re not really remembering it and you’re just remembering the memory, so each time you’re changing it. thats a sad fact. over a long long time your memory could change into something completely diffrent.

but the photos on the beach. thats a happy memory. like a happiest memory ever. the photos are of us in the sea and on the beach. there’s mamma throwing me into the air and catching me in the water, there’s me and mum swimming. there’s a sand-lump-castle with a pile of seaweed on top and a shell door. there’s one of us all together so they must have had a little tripod or some stand or something for the camera. and then the last one is baby child me in my car seat, fast asleep and holding the shark toy i still have. mum made it when i was small and its very sturdy and has only needed a few mends.

another happy memory is christmas last year. there must be more. birthday parties or something. but i cant remember just now.

i like old photos because they have their highwasted flared trousers and platform shoes.

im already tall i dont need platform shoes. i dont think people like them much anymore anyway.

also just earlier this boy said Why dont you shave your legs? Is your mother a dyke? She looks like it. Why the fuck do you want to be a marine biologist?

But he said botanist instead of biologist. because he’s dumb. its different. I didn’t even reply, i got up and walked away and sat and wrote in the library waiting for lunch to finish. Its going to soon. School finishes for christmas after this week. good !

 

10pm about? ..i forgot to wash my pyjamas and they feel kind of gross. i also need to wash my bedding. mamma usually would but she forgot. also she’s very asleep on the sofa and has been since after dinner. i dont know if i should wake her up because i dont know if she has stuff to do. i had 4 pieces of toast for dinner and put this mushroom stuff on them and also frozen vegetables that go kind of mushy. mamma had that too and mum didnt come inside. i leave her notes sometimes to say we didnt forget about her but we didnt know what to make but there’s bread and cans of soup and things in the freezer. i wish it was summer. goodnight.

oh i forgot to say i might do kickboxing again but mamma’s hand is still all bruised so its hard for her to train but she can still teach. she was sad about that but she can do other stuff. my tongue feels less burnt now. goodnight!


	19. 14th of December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most recentt update so hopefully i'll put more notes n whatnot as i go.. this updates sporadically n i dont have a schedule. i post it when i feel like but don't worry that is pretty often!

**14th of December**

 

Me n Sug tried to melt the snow at the park & on the ramp after school but then we went to the shop to get some vzletnaya sweets and when we got back the park was just icy and too slippery to do anything. the water froze.

We went back to Sug’s house instead and we called random friend’s phone numbers to see who was around. But no one was around. So we watched tv and then Sug started to smoke a cigarette and i felt boxed in and kind of trapped in her dark house and then her mum and siblings got home so i said ‘it’s getting late, i got to go’ and left.

Sug wants to have a big New years party. she asked if it could be at my house and i said no, mamma wouldn’t let me. also i dont want people in our house anyway. but i didnt say that. Sug said everyone would get so drunk till we blackout and puke our guts out. that isn’t really my idea of run but i guess i’ll help her find somewhere to have the party. i dont know if i’ll go though.

Mamma is already home she’s exercising or something.

i want to talk to her about all that’s happened . you know. she could be dead right now. but i dont know how she will react and i dont want her to be angry. i also don’t want her to cry. that would be so much worse. she hates crying and she keeps crying recently and thats how i know everything is really bad. she kept it together until when she tried to kill herself and since then she cant go back together again. i need to check on mum too and make sure she’s ok but she’s just silent all the time or sleeping or looks a million miles away. im so tired ohgod oh god oh god

 

later

i tried to talk to mamma. i dont know. i tried to talk when we were making dinner since then we wouldn’t have to look at each other and it would be less intense…i brought it up and her  cheeks went red like she’s embarassed about it. she said “mala, don’t”. i said “no, we have to talk about it’ and we argued and she kept saying dont and leave it and stop and she started shouting. i tried not to shout back but i needed to becos otherwise it felt like she wasn’t hearing me. she shouted “why wont you just leave it!”. i said ‘you tried to kill yourself!”  she was cutting potatoes for stew and it made me nervous how hard she was cutting them. and then i was scared since she was going to cry. i knew because her nose went red like it does when you cry and she wouldn’t look at me. she said:

“mala, i was stupid. it was a stupid thing to do. it was weak of me and im sorry i almost abandoned you like that . i shouldn’t have done it. im sorry. im so fucking stupid im so-’

but she didnt say the anymore because she was crying and she hunched over and her shoulders shook so bad. she put her head in her hands. i could feel all the anger in her. i took the knife away it was scaring me and we sat on the floor and i held her hands in mine. i just held on . i was crying too. we leant against the cabinets. our breathing was so heavy shaky. i held her hands until it was quiet and the streetlamps came on and i said mamma i love you and hugged her. we got up and made dinner all dazed and it was ready after 7.

i found mum in the shed and asked if she’d join us since mamma wasn’t feeling good and she sat for a long time and said ‘okay’. i put the television on so no one had to talk and we ate dinner. stew with rye.

im tired im tired so so tired. ill do homework tomorrow before school maybe. i have to sleep. its thursday tomorrow. mamma said maybe we can do kickboxing tomorrow or friday if its after dinner. goodnight.


	20. 15th December

** 15th of December **

 

now its thursday. 11am. im in history class but our teacher hasn’t arrived. i didn’t do my homework this morning so i hope they dont show up at all. maybe ill try it just now..just in case. i dont want to be in trouble. im still trying to be good so im not expelled.

my arm has little scars from that time i cut it. they make me feel bad whenever i notice them. i won’t do that again.

apparently Lars went through the park on his way home from work yesterday and slipped on the ice we made. got a bruised ass. i laughed at him n sug hit his ass to make sure he wasn’t lying. guess he wasn’t because he yelped like a little girl + was a big baby. 

I want to go swimming. I love being underwater. 

 

4pm. I walked home past the park and the bit of ice we made is covered with snow from last night. but there was the skid from where Lars fell n it made me laugh again haha and then i just stood and looked at it for a while until Sug started calling my name from behind me. she was being loud and my head felt funny and not ready for loudness and also i could feel that my period maybe was starting. i hurried home and sure enough i had. it wasn’t too bad that my underwear have to be thrown away but its still annoying ughhhhh i hate periods and i really want to have a bath.

and also sleep

but i have homework and chores and i dont want to wash dishes or something

maybe mamma will be all unable to sit still and clean everything up. she gets annoyed when other people do it , not because she likes cleaning, but because she says we dont do it well. i say: whatever.

 

Sug was complaining today about how she has to visit her relatives at christmas.. Sug hates it. She has to dress nicely and behave. I can’t imagine how that would look. 

I don’t know my grandparents.

 


	21. 16th December

**16th of December**

 

after school and in my room:

Today I talked to Alex. It wasn’t a fight though. She was nice to me and it made me feel bad for being so angry at her all the time.

I was sitting on the steps in front of the school (at lunch) and freezing my ass off in the snow and she was walking past. Maybe i looked as bad as i feel because she asked if i was okay.

I told her to fuck off. And she stood for a moment and I dont know why but i just starting crying. it was embarrassing. Alex took me inside and to the school toilets so i could wash my face and not be freezing. I sat on the floor next to the sink and I couldn’t stop crying. Alex hardly says anything. Just things like: “let’s go inside” and “it’s okay” and when lunch time only had 15 minutes left she said “wash your face. you’ll feel better.” I did and then she asked if i had lunch and i didn’t so we went to the lunch hall and i got some borscht, that gross pickled cabbage and a bread roll (stale. lunch had already been mostly served). i didn’t feel that hungry so it took me the rest of lunch to eat even that small lunch. alex stayed with me and i thought how i’d never seen her eat. in the last few days eating feels like it takes a lot of energy.

alex being kind made me cry more now…

im just tired

 

there’s christmas songs on the crackly radio in the livingroom. we go to church on christmas. that kind of sucks.

 

10:02pm. if i could explore space or the ocean i’d choose the ocean. i want to see bioluminescent creatures and i wonder what’s deep down in the trenches. i’m not claustrophobic so i’d be ok. i even sleep with the duvet over my head sometimes. i used to pretend i was diving  when i was little. when we used to go to swimming pools. or i was  a mermaid. or a shark. but we haven’t gone for a long time.

goodnight,

mala.


	22. 17th december

I might be getting a cold. My nose is stuffy.

One thing I dontlike about winter is how mamma is antsy and paces around and cleans and stuff. she doesn’t like not being able to go running.. because of the snow. I was watching Snezhnaya Koroleva. it was on TV. I shouted stop it, go swimming or something. she looked angry but she left (she is back now). 

she left and mum came in to get a drink or something and she saw me and sat with me. we just watched tv. i made us tea and shared my popcorn i popped on the stove. i think that mum doesnt know what to say…its okay, i like that she is there. i like her just being there with me. one of the things she said was that she could give me a massage since she got new massage oil things. i said later. i’ve never had a massage. mum likes things like that. she stopped doing so much in the last few years..she’s depressed i think. i dont know

 

its later. late. 

do you sometimes get the way you do when you listen to soft and sad music and everything feels sad but also okay? and sleepy 

the sky is clear, the moon is in half. i danced on my bed and drew a comic.

 

goodnight 


	23. 18th december

12:34. im home. church was boring again but i took my notebook and just drew even though those old women give me dirty looks. whatever. they also dont like my hair and say it was nicer the natural colour. the natural colour was a dirty blondish brown colour and it wasn’t that pretty. i like my hair better now.

mamma said we can all be vegetarian if i want. we are having potato dumplings in vegetable stew for lunch. im going to buy a cook book. maybe i can find one in a second-hand shop.

 

 

9:40pm

im in my room after dinner. my homework is hard. mamma tried to talk to mum again. Now I can hear them fighting. mum is saying things like 

“I can’t stay here. I can’t breathe in this house with you. I have to leave.”

and

“I want to die, jasper. I can’t live here.”

My heart is in knots. Mum wants to die too + mamma is loud and crying shouting. 

“I need you. Dont go I need you. Please dont go Lapis I love you” 

“I can’t d this. All of this is ruining us. we cant live like this. I hurt you so much. it’s fucked up.”

“It’s not ruined”

“We fucked up Mala’s whole life!”

they’re crying

 

god god god oh god

 

mum says shes going and now thers noises like fighting fuck Fuck fUck 

i hate this i hate i hate this


	24. 19th December

FUCK OFF FUCK FUCK FUCK OFF

NO I DIDNT DO THE FUCKNG MATHS HOMEWORK 

I WAS TOO TIRED FROM HAVING TO STOP MY PARENTS FROM KILLING THEMSELFS AND EACH OTHER! 

i want to kick shit and bite bite bite and fight dont get in my face FUCK OFF 

 

im not going to more classes. im in the bathroom and im leaving when classes start again. it smells like shit in here. i kicked a dent in the wall of the cubicle. 

mum said she will kill herself if she stays. mamma said she will kill herself if mum leaves.

what am i supposed to do?  WHAT ?!

im going to ditch school and take the train to somewhere. maybe where the bookshop with the cafe is. idont have any money for buying things. just for a ticket. its ok. maybe i’ll find some. maybe ill sing carols even if i cant sing so people throw money at my feet. i dont know. i guess i’ll just look.

it’s the last day before school stops for christmas. so who cares.

 

 

later: 

i’m in the cafe. i had enough for just tea to drink but its spiced and warming me and it means i get to stay in the cafe. i wish i had enough money to buy a book but i dont have any more. buying a book just seems like a nice thing to do

also i wonder how i could get money.. if I could run away. I want to a lot but i don’t think I could do it. I love my parents and I’m worried abut what would happen. 

I guess if you want money fast you can be a prostitute but I really really don’t want to do that.

(The cakes in this café look good. Now I’m hungry.)

I was sitting in an armchair in the bookshop part but i felt watched because I wasn’t buying things. Today I feel lonely… walking around. I’m faraway from the other people here. Like underwater. 

I want to go home but school’s not meant to be finished yet so I’ll get in trouble if someone else is home. I have an hour to kill. There are a couple of shops around here. Windows all fogged up and frosty. Maybe I can go look. Then home.

 

Old women give you worried smiles when you walk around alone.

 

later, about 9pm. i got home kind of later actually but still before mamma did. i was in my room and she came in and her eyes looked like when you cry the night before even though it was a whole day later.

“hey, little shark” she said. she hasn’t called me that for years. 

i said hey and she asked if i got dinner. I told her i had pasta. She went away and I listened to her clattering about. 

I saw mum when i was going to the bathroom to brush my teeth. She said goodnight and mamma did too later on and now i’m going to go to bed.. 

goodnight


	25. 20th December

11:30am. Peri and me went shopping again today because school has stopped for Christmas. We got things for Christmas..potatoes and cabbage and a pre-made poppyseed roll. Peri is going to be with us on christmas. They have been really busy with something computer-y in their job. I don’t really know. But they’ve been asleep or at work in the daytime and again working at home in the night. They yawned a lot. and they have a cold. 

We also got things for making a nut-roast..because now i’m vegetarian there’s no meat. Everyone is ok with it so I’m going to try to make that. Mamma will help probably. 

Oh and we got a little tree. I’m taller than it. It’s taller than Peri though haha 

 

thought:

in school a while ago some girls said my body is pear-shape. i dont know if thats good or bad. i have strong legs and that’s good. it means i can do sports + skateboarding. i dont know if im fat though. whatever. 

 

we’re going to decorate the tree before or after lunch. peri is hanging around today. they don’t have much work to do. i know peri is talking to my parents while they make lunch. i think all 3 of them are there. i hope so. mum hardly talks to anyone so it’d be nice. 

 

before i go to bed — the tree looks so good and it makes me happy. me and peri decorated it and mum + mamma hung around while we did. mum had drank wine but thats okay. she was there.


	26. 22nd December

 

I drew lots of pictures yesterday. much more than usual, i even made a comic. 

(it’s about things i’ve done recently. im working on how to draw myself and how to draw all the snow) 

that’s why i didn’t write. i hope i get a new sketchbook…since i draw people always get me sketchbooks for christmas. 

 

later

Me and Sugi walked in the snow and got soaked but we really wanted to go look at the old quarry. It’s at the edge of town and not used anymore. it’s got water at the bottom now. in summer we climb down the other side and swim but it takes a while to get to the other side. Like 20 minutes because it’s overgrown and not maintained. 

It’s dangerous too. Mamma doesn’t like when I go there. There’s broken bottles and broken stones and the ground is uneven and there are cliffs. 

Me and Sugi looked over the edge and the water was all frozen. In summer it’s so clear you can see the bottom..or sometimes its blue. Sugi wanted to go on it and i said fuck no!Instead we threw rocks on it and it skimmed…sounded like lasers. Like “pewpewpew”. It’s hard to describe. The ice must be frozen so thickly because Sugi threw a big rock at the ice and it just cracked it and it didn’t go all the way through.

 

Sugi insisted on going to my house after.. I dont like people going to our house but she wanted to and it’s nearer than hers and we were freezing and wet. Mamma was home already since she has a holiday for christmas. She told us to get our shoes off right when we got in and change clothes so we didn’t get sick. mum was sitting on the kitchen counter. she just watched. the house was smoky but i think from burning incense that mum likes..maybe weed too. she smokes anyway but it didn’t smell like cigarettes. 

sugi dried her trousers on the radiator, drank coffee and left after.

she said something like “your mum’s hot” (she means mamma) and it made me angry.  she was probably joking but still. fuck off. sometimes sugi really gets under my fucking skin. and then i was glad when she left. 

 

its time for dinner

also im still trying to draw something for mum’s birthday.

ok bye!


	27. 23rd December

It is Saturday.

I went sledding on my own. Just on the hills nearby. The hills are very slippy because they’ve already been sledded on so much so I went a bit further to find a less-fast hill. I wasn’t in the mood for going too fast. I tried a very fast one with a ramp made from a pile of snow and it was scary haha

I was thinking about how I cant tell Sugi much of anything. Like about my family. About how im feeling. She doesn’t take emotional things serious enough to tell her about my parents or me or anything like that. I want to talk to someone sometimes. there’s Peri..but i want to talk to someone my age. I wonder if Aleks would talk to me. I don’t have her phone number or know where she lives. 

 

I haven’t got mum or mamma a present but I dont have money just now. We dont have much money for our family anyway. Like I get 1 present maybe 2 and some small things like chocolate or sweets or socks. I like getting socks. if they are stripy it’s really good.

And also we are still all being vegetarian and it is going well and no one complains. it’s good! 

 

The last day or so things feel less tense. Less scary. I feel better.

I’ve been drawing more…i’m trying to do it everyday. I want to get better at it and be able to draw hands & people and sharks & stuff. 

 

goodnight !


	28. 24th December

good morning (8:28 AM)

It’s christmas tomorrow.. I can’t help but feel a bit excited. There remnants of being excited from when i was a little kid. Like a fuzzy feeling inside my stomach. Even though it was only last year I feel nostalgia for last christmas… it was just dreamy. like slow and dreamy and alive.

 

it’s just after dinner. we ate frozen pizza. it was ok

mum kissed mamma earlier. i dont think that she had for years, i cant even remember. she just kissed her on the cheek because mamma was upset (kind of angry) that she cut her finger cutting tomato and mum said “look, it’s fine…i’ll get a plaster”. i thought maybe they’d argue but they didn’t. mum got the plaster and sat up on the counter again. then she kissed mamma’s cheek. 

we’re together and watching tv. im going to take a bath and go to bed soon.

also i drew cards for mum, mamma and peri. i’ll tell them i’ll get presents later.

goodnight


	29. christmas day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had planned to have this written for xmas 2018 but here we are  
> its a 3 chapter update, so make sure to go back to the 23rd of December to read the full update
> 
> also if this chapter was a song itd be ..Pearly-Dewdrops' Drops by the Cocteau Twins
> 
> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed <3 thankyou so much <3

We aren’t going to go church today because mum sat with us to eat breakfast and it was different and unusual so we want this to last. I woke up later than usual. We all did. Around half 9. Mamma was in their bed and mum was on the sofa. I woke them up gently. They both look so worried when they sleep. 

We ate warm cinnamon bread with sugar baked on top and drank tea. So warm. I had two big slices with butter. It was quiet… I talked about things that didn’t matter much but interest me. Like orcas or what kind of house I want to have when I’m older. I didn’t want to start arguments or make anyone sad. 

I think I’d like to live near the sea. And have a pet cat or a snake or fish or a rat… But if I live near the sea do I need pet fish? I want a porch that faces the sea. In the morning I’d look at the waves and then go for a swim. It’d have to be a warm place. Warmer than here at least. Like the Mediterranean. 

Peri is coming over soon (its nearly midday) and then we will open gifts. I talked to them on the phone before writing this just to check what time. They were getting ready to leave.

 

★

 

After dinner:

Maybe we are a bit tipsy. I drank wine too. Not much but I feel warm and fuzzy. Mum is playing records like last time. We danced to Heroes by David Bowie and also Fleetwood Mac like last year. Lots of stuff in English. I know some english. i can sing along sometimes!

I played Divine Hammer — The Breeders. We have the casette with it on.

I got watercolour paint in a palette with brushes and paper. I never had watercolour paper before. I got ink that’s waterproof and also sweets. Stripy socks too. dark green and black striped. Socks are a tradition.

 

laterrrr

Mum was smoking weed on the couch and thought it’d be funny to put on Come On Eileen because she owns the single and she lay singing along and we all laugh so hard we cried. my sides hurt. i think the song is kinda dumb but its fun too. and mamma held my hands and we danced in circles. Everyone got up and danced in circles circles circles 

spinning and spinning holding hands. 

mamma’s hair came undone from the braid i’d tied for her. all the short hairs around her face sticking up funny. we all are red in the face! cheeks so hot. 

mamma, mum and peri all took shots from the vodka bottle cap but i wasn’t allowed. still i did when they weren’t looking and now I might fall over haha 

im sleepy its after midnight!

 

we ate chocolates and im on the couch just now because peri is throwing up in the toilet. they cant handle alcohol much i guess. 

mum is with me, smoking and listening to Pearly Dewdrops Drop. i do not know what they are saying in the song. 

the room is smoky and hazy and i feel so woozy. all the christmas lights are like stars in the dark. in my sleepy eyes and the smoke. its so pretty. 

 

 

i am going to sleep soon. i brushed my teeth quickly i am in bed. i left peri and mamma and mum all in the living room and said ‘keep it down’ but they are calming down so its ok. Peri fell asleep on the couch and mamma and mum are lying on the carpet smoking the kind of weed that makes you mellow. Their breath smelled so alcoholic but I gave them kisses goodnight because they were sad to see me go to bed. mamma slurring all her words. like:

“aw Mala. Little shark…goodnigh’ sleep…tight”

mum just quietly saying goodnight, love you lots. i remember how the rings look on their fingers as they pat my hair and say “see you in the morning” 

 

Mum, mamma… I love you very much. 

And Peri you are great too.

Goodnight.


	30. 26th December

I think this is my first hangover.. I feel kind of rough. Kind of sick. Not too bad. I was definitely drunk last night haha

I went to the bathroom to get water and I looked in the living room and mum + mamma fell asleep on the carpet I guess. Like where they were last night. i did make sure they were ok though. Maybe that’s paranoid. But I had to check they were breathing. Peri was asleep on the sofa.

 

It’s just after 11am.. everyone is awake now and Peri went off home. Probably to go back to sleep. We ate leftover cinnamon bread for breakfast and we’ll eat leftovers for lunch and dinner too.

 

later

I tried out my new paints and paper all afternoon! (and we tried to go on a walk but not forlong because it’s too cold. mamma wanted to keep going but me and mum said nope. too cold) I love the watercolour paper..it makes it so much better. I cut up 1 sheet and made swatches of the colours and tried blending and blooming and bleeding. Lots of B’s. All very good. I’m going to make something fucking cool (i hope). im excited!

I can hear mum and mamma laughing in the kitchen. They’re smoking again. Guess it was fun yesterday so they’re doing it again. It’s nice to hear them laughing… I don’t think mamma smoked before. At least not for a very long time. Actually i think before she was pregnant with me she smoked cigarettes like mum. or maybe just weed. Anyway she stopped when she got pregnant, she told me that before, and told me not to smoke. Mum always said I should never smoke cigarettes and because they make your teeth yellow and they are shitty. She smokes them though. It’s a bit hypocritical. She only smokes in the garden. Weed is different, I guess. 

I’m back with chamomile tea and I said hi. They’re sitting on the counter smoking and laughing and drinking the leftover red wine. I said goodnight and keep it down because I’m going to sleep soon. 

I will. After i drink my tea and brush my teeth and maybe read something from National Geographic. i have an issue with an article about cave-diving, like spelunking and cave-diving. There’s some amazing photographs, all blues and turquoises..

Idea: try and paint one tomorrow. like copy it. as a study.

i should go..draw something.. and then get ready for bed.

OK OK, goodnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like we're in the home-stretch now... There's a way to go but I can see the finish-line. Yknow? It'd be weird to have a fic I actually finished.. Of course slavau wouldnt be over. But at least this diary would be. ah wow..
> 
> Anyhoo, comments and kudos' are very much appreciated, thankyou <3


	31. 27th December

I painted the caved-diving painting. I messed up at first but i tried again and its much better. Its not perfect but oh well it’s my first go at a full painting with these paints.

In school we only get cheap acrylics. They peal off if you scrape them. Or sometimes become flakes and fall off. All the brushes have dried paint in them. I’m going to take good care of mine. Mum gave me a brush-wrap that she wasn’t using.


	32. 28th December

Very very dark morning…The sun hasn’t really risen yet (it’s nearly 9)..or the clouds are so thick that it feels like it hasn’t. Some times in winter it feels like the sun doesn’t rise at all. 

I ate a lot of porridge and I am very full

The clouds look like they’ll snow. They are all huge and grey-blue. 

 

I want to hang out with someone but I’m not sure about Sug…who knows. I may as well talk to her. I can tell her how I got drunk.

 

5:56pm

I called Sug and went out after lunch to meet her. We went to her house and sat in her room for a bit and I told her about Christmas. She said she was proud of me for getting drunk. Also that she wishes her mother smoked weed.

She said “Is Lapis…your mum’s girlfriend? Are they fucking?”

I said “Don’t be fucking gross.”

Sug asks about them sometimes. I don’t tell the truth. Mum doesn’t talk to many people really. Mostly just me and peri and mamma, sometimes people at shops if she’s buying something. But some people wonder why she’s at my house (they don’t know she’s my mum or that she lives there) and of course they call her a witch or something. Because she dresses in dark clothes and isn’t seen about much.. It’d be cool if she was an actual witch. Everyone in school calls mamma a dyke. Other nasty things too. And I know people say the same things about me. 

Sug knows the most about my family because she’s been to my house. I made her promise not to go spreading shit. She said she promises on her and her family’s life and I trust her on that. She’s really serious about secrets and promises when she wants to be. We did a blood promise, like cutting our palms and shaking on it. 

That’s why she hasn’t gone around telling everyone about my parents and how they’re actually together. I think she knows, though, even though I wont tell her. Also because she asks like “are they fucking?”. As if i would answer that. Gross.

We went out after that and went sledding. Sug went down the steep fast hills and went flying off the sled. I knew she would. Maybe I was tired but I laughed kind of hysterically

Sug said: “You sure you aren’t smoking weed too?”

We took turns sledding down the fast hill. Then I made a snowman so that Sug could slide down and smash it. Sug made one for me to smash and stuck snowballs on it’s chest. I asked her if she’s a 5 year old trapped inside a 15 year old’s body. I smashed the snowman and got snow in my coat. 

 

We came back here, my house, to get warmed up. (To drink tea or coffee or whatever) We always seem to. also it started snowing.

Mum and Mamma were fast asleep on the sofa in the living room. 

“Oh my fucking god” Sug laughed. I told her to shush. She said my house smells like weed and I said shut up. Sug drank from a red wine bottle before i could stop her. I pretended not to notice. I made tea and made Sug coffee and she poured vodka into it and downed it. nasty nasty nasty

She left not long ago because she said her mum would be mad. she says her mum is a bitch. I woke mum and mamma up because they probably were asleep for a while. 

Mamma is going to make dinner and mum is doing something in her shed.

 

☾

 

before i go to bed: I was just thinking.. I hope mum and mamma are okay..getting high so much. I feel like i haven’t spoken to them much.

mum just came in and gave me a big hug and said goodnight, mala, I love you so much. she held on for a long time until i said ‘get off’ i wonder if she’s still high..i dont know. im trying not to worry

goodnight goodnight.

 


	33. 29th December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another 3 chapter update! go back to 27th of december for the full update

Mum left a letter and i found it when I woke up I dont know what to do at all . She’s gone she’s gone what am i supposed to do? Mamma is crying in the bedroom

 

 

From mum:

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Mala._

_I love you so much. With my whole heart._

_I left this morning, before you woke up. You looked so peaceful, but so tired, when I kissed your forehead and said goodbye._

_I’m so sorry to leave like this but I can’t stay any longer._

_I’m going away and I won’t come back to this house or this town or this country. My head is so full, foggy and dark, here. It feels like drowning._

_I’m sorry for this, for being selfish. But at this point I’m not sure what else to do. I just need to get out of here and I hope you understand what I mean._

_And I can’t bring you with me but please don’t think this means that I don’t love you. Or that I’m angry. I’m not angry, I promise you. And I’m not leaving because of anything that you did wrong. You’ve been nothing but a light in my life, and you are so fierce and so creative. Please trust me on that. Neither you nor your mother are bad people. Truly, you are both strong-minded, beautiful people._ _Perhaps your mother will be better when I’m gone, stronger like she has been before. Your mother and I are just_

_Never mind. That’s not important._

 

_Where I am going is somewhere I can’t say. I’m not sure myself, which is ridiculous, I know…I know. But what I can say is that I’ll be okay. I would never leave you forever. Not for the world._

_Mala, trust me one last time when I say that I’ll see you again someday. Promise me that._

 

_I’ll write to you as soon as I can._

_I love you,_

_Mum_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy oh boy ohoono oh boy i am nervous about the upcming chapters! this is like. what i've been working towards for months..i had this and the next chapters all planned out n stuff. its so weird to finally get to them.
> 
> i really hope you enjoy (enjoy is not the right word) are.. entertained?? are moved?  
> and feel free to scream at me for this angst


	34. 31st December

It’s mum’s birthday  today

i never finished the art i was making for her. i just dont care anymore

mamma is in hospital 


	35. 1st January

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self -injury caused by psychosis, blood

I couldnt really write for a few days. Everything went wrong 

Absolutely everything. 

Mum is gone. I don’t know exactly where. She left before I was awake on the 29th. Mamma is in hospital…she has something so wrong with her. Im staying with Peri.

Mamma isn’t functioning in her head and I just know a doctor called it a “break”. Not physically. In her head, mentally.

It happened in the middle of the night after she was freaking out the whole day. Pacing back and forth and back and forth. She argued with police who said mum has every right to leave since she’s an adult and she left a letter saying she was going to be fine.

Mum left a letter too. all it said was: 

“Take care of Mala, Jasper. 

I’ll be okay.

Goodbye.” 

she couldn’t stop panicking the whole day. she was crying and i didn’t want to listen to it. It hurt my heart. i couldn’t eat or sleep. It made my hands shake I was so scared.

I thought she stopped around midnight but I heard her cry again and I went into her room and she was on the floor. She crawled away like an animal and huddled in the corner. She said i had so many eyes and she wanted to cut off her arm since it was infected and ‘kept growing’ and had eyes. it doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t i said. she wanted to cut off her arm. 

oh god oh god. 

she had a knife from the kitchen and i was too scared get close and she had cut her arm already. it was bleeding a lot. different cuts. all big and i threw up bile when I saw. I tried to get closer and she screamed at me like she was scared. i told her it was okay, it’s just me. but she didn’t believe me. she shouted at something or someone i dont know and she threw the knife but i moved out the way and it skidded on the floor to the other side of the room. i got it and didn’t know what to do so i hid it in my room. It got blood everywhere. on my hands on the floor. I hid the rest of the knives too. Everything sharp. I called an ambulance. i couldn’t touch mamma to help her.

An ambulance and police came to our house. I begged them not to hurt mamma, that she didn’t want to hurt them. The paramedics understood better..they’ve seen this stuff before. A paramedic put a blanket around me because I went in the police car to the hospital too while we tried to call Peri because I had nowhere to stay. 

I didn’t want to see mamma at the hospital. She was tied down and it scared me. She cried for mum. she shouted alot and kicked and screamed at people. 

I was took away into a quiet room and talked to by police. They asked if mamma ever hurt me and that made me cry because she would never hurt me. They asked where my dad was and I had to lie about mum so I didn’t out mamma. It’s dangerous.. I was too scared to correct the police. I don’t know mum’s dead-name though so I couldn’t tell them. 

I was asked if there were fights before mum left. I said there wasn’t, not for a while, but usually they fight. And I realised then that mum must have been trying to be happy before she left. Or she was just happy because she was leaving. Since just before christmas she’s been around..been sitting with us, eating with us.. sometimes sleeping with mamma. I remember how mamma got upset at her on xmas eve and mum was quiet but then she kissed mamma on the cheek and hugged her and the argument ended right there. I just thought that was a nice thing. I wrote it down. I dont know why I didn’t see it.. Mum was giving us our last happy days..like when you give your dog a good walk and let them eat bad food before you put them to sleep. She must have been. 

I started sobbing then, in the small room. I just wanted things to stop. 

Peri arrived later..it was around 3:30AM..they looked so scared and they weren’t crying but they were frozen like they didn’t know what to do. They were let in to see me and ran over and hugged me. 

Thankyou so much Peri. We owe you so much. I do.. 

 

* * *

 

 

I’m at Peri’s flat just now.. We ate pasta for dinner.

Peri had to go to the hospital to sign things or something. Peri said they had to give mamma a lot of stitches in her arms. And sedate her a lot. They were crying.

Peri took clothes and toothbrush and things to the hospital because mamma is being taken to a psychiatric hospital. peri didn’t get to talk to mum because mum was asleep, on a million medications. I’d be too scared to look. especially to look at the bandages on her arms. it makes me feel sick to think about. 

I had a nightmare about it already…the other day. I woke up in the middle of the night crying. Peri hugged me and got me water and tissues. In the dream when mamma cut her arm she cut it all the way down the whole length and i couldn’t stop the blood no matter what i did. Mum was there too but she wouldn’t do anything and I think I woke myself up trying to shout to her to help.

I had a dream last night that I could hear crying behind each door in our house but all the doors where locked and I was trying to get through the windows. It was like I was watching myself. 

 

Police said that since mum left a note saying she is leaving and she will be fine, and she’s an adult that they won’t try to find her. Because she is an adult she can disappear if she wants to. I just want her back. i miss her so much and i cry and cry every time i remember she’s gone. i kept forgetting. nothing feels real. its all too messed up and broken

 

I guess we’re going to watch tv for a while. Then I’ll go to bed. I just want my head to be empty. Goodnight in advance. 

(goodnight)


End file.
